Skip to main content

If It is Alright

For as long as i can remember, i have always been afraid of people, of change and of life in general. If i could have hidden from everyone and died off from the eyes of the world, i would have. Everything around me seemed like a threat to my being. With no apparent reason, my surroundings felt like a kaleidoscope of colors with ulterior motives bent on hurting me. I never felt comfortable.

Despite all of that, i have led my life as if things were okay, as if my fears did not matter. 

So, i tried. 

Through all the days that never seem to end, i have grown tired, exhausted from pretending i was fine,  all spent from hoping things will turn normal. 

I have not changed, not at all. Things are exactly as i remember them when i was younger, the exact same way that i used to see them. All my efforts and hopes to live in a world where i do not have to fear tomorrow have never managed a dent from my idiosyncrasy. Maybe i was never really meant to change.

This is how i was meant to live. And maybe, this is also my way to go. 

Lastly, my own disposition has made me lonely. In this state of overcast outlook, i was alone. It is not something i would want for anyone else nor something i would rather share. I do not want to take colors away from someone's life. No, this is fine. Let me bear this on my own and not bring anyone with me. Maybe, it's the one thing that makes me special. 

But i'm not really special. 

I'm just struggling to make it through this life in my own way. Isn't that what everyone is also doing right now? 

There's just more internal struggle that is happening with me. That turmoil, it seems, has now caught up. Or maybe my will is no longer able to bear it's weight. For it does feel heavy. 

I think this time, i cannot take another step. 

And if it is alright, I would like to rest now.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Not Anything Less

so should i wait for you regardless? even when all the days are drowned in loneliness, or as desperation clings to my skin and bones. would you let me suffer this world alone, since i could not settle for anything less. with heartaches as days, i waited this long, and i will wait still until there is no more, no more of me to remember hope nor hate. so let me suffer this world alone, for i would not settle for anything less. --------- created: 2013-12-15 11:58pm @hougang, sg

The Strange Ceiling

The sun rises to break the solitary night, Only to bring still doubts back into the light. All that was left unanswered by yesterday, Replaced by more questions that started the day. Here where i lay with my heavy weariness, Where all that once were have left nonetheless, I stared at the ceiling that grew stranger still, Wondering why i woke up against my will. --- created: 2015-02-04 @hougang, sg

Loneliness.

I have always felt alone. No matter how many friends and family i surround myself with, at the end of the day, when i close my eyes, i feel the loneliness. It feels like a sickness that never left my system. There is no cure, only relief from pain that never really last. There is this missing piece that forms a hollow in my chest. I know that it can only be filled up by people but there seem to be no one in this world who would fit in. I also know that I can go on searching yet never find that anything that would satiate this void. A hopeless case. For a long time, i have questioned my fate. Questioned it as if getting the answers would change it. In all my efforts, i have come to the realization that there needs no reason nor purpose for my predicament. Loneliness is really just a part of who i am, perhaps of everyone. It is no more rare than happiness, or sadness or anger or hope. It cannot be cured for it is not an ailment. Maybe it is simply that i am more sensitive to it...