If It is Alright

For as long as i can remember, i have always been afraid of people, of change and of life in general. If i could have hidden from everyone and died off from the eyes of the world, i would have. Everything around me seemed like a threat to my being. With no apparent reason, my surroundings felt like a kaleidoscope of colors with ulterior motives bent on hurting me. I never felt comfortable.

Despite all of that, i have led my life as if things were okay, as if my fears did not matter. 

So, i tried. 

Through all the days that never seem to end, i have grown tired, exhausted from pretending i was fine,  all spent from hoping things will turn normal. 

I have not changed, not at all. Things are exactly as i remember them when i was younger, the exact same way that i used to see them. All my efforts and hopes to live in a world where i do not have to fear tomorrow have never managed a dent from my idiosyncrasy. Maybe i was never really meant to change.

This is how i was meant to live. And maybe, this is also my way to go. 

Lastly, my own disposition has made me lonely. In this state of overcast outlook, i was alone. It is not something i would want for anyone else nor something i would rather share. I do not want to take colors away from someone's life. No, this is fine. Let me bear this on my own and not bring anyone with me. Maybe, it's the one thing that makes me special. 

But i'm not really special. 

I'm just struggling to make it through this life in my own way. Isn't that what everyone is also doing right now? 

There's just more internal struggle that is happening with me. That turmoil, it seems, has now caught up. Or maybe my will is no longer able to bear it's weight. For it does feel heavy. 

I think this time, i cannot take another step. 

And if it is alright, I would like to rest now.