Let Me Try Again

so i tried to cut myself again.

how many times have i done this?

well, i couldn't finish it. either the razor is not sharp enough or i'm just too scared of the pain. it's probably the latter.

after crying for sometime, i started to laugh at myself for not being able just get this done. nothing would really change, i have already made my decision. what i don't understand is, why i keep on delaying it.

i don't want to hurt anyone and i don't want to hurt anymore.

my life doesn't seem so bad. i don't feel bad, not at all. actually, i feel blessed and well loved. and, i am grateful for all that. however, that all means nothing. it never did.

there's just nothing within or without me that makes me feel that i should keep on doing this. whether i experience new things or meet new people - it would all feel pointless.

so everyday, i ask myself, why stay?

why am i still here?

Perhaps the only reason why i haven't killed myself yet is the fear of failing. Things never really go the way i planned. Things always go awry. There's a very high chance that if i attempt to do this again, i'd wake up full of regret knowing that i'm still alive.

I'm terrified of all the hate i'm going to receive if i fail. This world is full of haters after all. I'm scared of the responsibilities i have to take because of the consequence of breathing again. I will be punished but not by death. And that is unfortunate.

i guess i just really need to find another way to do this.