so i tried to cut myself again.
how many times have i done this?
well, i couldn't finish it. either the razor is not sharp enough or i'm just too scared of the pain. it's probably the latter.
after crying for sometime, i started to laugh at myself for not being able just get this done. nothing would really change, i have already made my decision. what i don't understand is, why i keep on delaying it.
i don't want to hurt anyone and i don't want to hurt anymore.
my life doesn't seem so bad. i don't feel bad, not at all. actually, i feel blessed and well loved. and, i am grateful for all that. however, that all means nothing. it never did.
there's just nothing within or without me that makes me feel that i should keep on doing this. whether i experience new things or meet new people - it would all feel pointless.
so everyday, i ask myself, why stay?
why am i still here?
Perhaps the only reason why i haven't killed myself yet is the fear of failing. Things never really go the way i planned. Things always go awry. There's a very high chance that if i attempt to do this again, i'd wake up full of regret knowing that i'm still alive.
I'm terrified of all the hate i'm going to receive if i fail. This world is full of haters after all. I'm scared of the responsibilities i have to take because of the consequence of breathing again. I will be punished but not by death. And that is unfortunate.
i guess i just really need to find another way to do this.
how many times have i done this?
well, i couldn't finish it. either the razor is not sharp enough or i'm just too scared of the pain. it's probably the latter.
after crying for sometime, i started to laugh at myself for not being able just get this done. nothing would really change, i have already made my decision. what i don't understand is, why i keep on delaying it.
i don't want to hurt anyone and i don't want to hurt anymore.
there's just nothing within or without me that makes me feel that i should keep on doing this. whether i experience new things or meet new people - it would all feel pointless.
so everyday, i ask myself, why stay?
why am i still here?
Perhaps the only reason why i haven't killed myself yet is the fear of failing. Things never really go the way i planned. Things always go awry. There's a very high chance that if i attempt to do this again, i'd wake up full of regret knowing that i'm still alive.
I'm terrified of all the hate i'm going to receive if i fail. This world is full of haters after all. I'm scared of the responsibilities i have to take because of the consequence of breathing again. I will be punished but not by death. And that is unfortunate.
i guess i just really need to find another way to do this.
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